Damn I hate shopping.

Tekst skeczu kabaretowego. Jakiego ? 

 

-Damn I hate shopping.But what do we have here ?

Gold chain –checked; man’s tracksuit- checked ; 
woman’s tracksuit-checked;girl’s tracksuit –checked;
bullterier – checked ;dog’s tracksuit-checked;

rubber bone for the dog- checked; 
rubber corpse for the dog –checked;

a tracksuit for the corpse –checked; 
Milosz’s poems.. Milosz’s poems?

What the f… ?  ... Trashbags !! 
Write clearly you hag. Trashbags- checked.

Now this…painting. There is no painting ! ……

-Good evening.

-Good evening.

-How can I help you ?

-Ma’am  I’d like to buy some painting.

-I guess. We’re in gallery. Which one ?

-Some painted one.

-Anything more specific ?

-Damn, how I hate the shopping. 
Under the communism everything was easier.

You just came in, looked around and got out.
 But you’ve got now this choosing- thing….. 
Hi ,sunshine, what kind of painting do you want ?

Ma’am, some colourful and big one.

-How big ?

-Damn it. How big is this fungus on the wall ?... Oh,ok .
Now I know. Bye,sunshine…..My old lady says that it’s damn big one.

-And what subject ?

-Subject is to cover the fungas.

-Hmmm, I see the scenes from looking for mushroom impossible

-It goes off together from the wall with the plaster.

-Ok, so what could I suggest you ?

-Exactly.

-Maybe something from the modern art..

 -Why not.

-Look over there, “The blue squirrel”

-The blue squirrel, but not alone.With oversized man’s genitals.

-Do you see ?

-Even too clearly.

-How do you like it ?

-I have nothing against squirrels. Common animal.
 Shaking the nuts in the woods.

-You see, this is the real modern art.

-Gee, I’ve never seen such a modern squirrel. 
It scares me to walk in the woods.

-Sir, the artist who..painted this picture is respected artist regarded 
among other artists as a..

-..retarded –I guess – as a retarded.

-I see you simply don’t like this painting so I’ll send it to the museum.

-Very good idea. To the museum chop-chop.

-I am very glad that you agreed with me finally.

-If you send it to the museum I will never see it again in my life.

That’s for sure. How about that one ?

-Which one ?

-This pretty one with the church, what is that ?

-It’s the window.

-Are you trying to sell me a window ? 
So that, I'll go home and hang it on the wall ?

Are you looking for a patsy ?... Now pay attention. 
For tomorrow you’ll prepare a painting. 
Subject is :a deer,mating time, walking around, eating..

in French “siepasie” (It grazes )  But Ma’am pay attention…this deer should be…
without any supplements….And you will prepare another one,

subject will be my self-portrait.

-Your portrait, sir ?

-“Your self-portrait sir” Am I not clear enough ?

-What style do you wish for the painting?
 Cubist, impressionist or expressionist?

-Ma’am. It’s to be in the style…of this squirrel.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pm8_evPT0Zo&feature=related