Easter Bunny on the naughty list

It has been a long time since we have heard from good old Saint Nick, who is well 
known for delivering presents all across the world. Recently however, he has not
been 'hohohoing'. This is because he reportedly said that he is splitting up from his
dear wife Mrs Claus.
He apparently revealed "I was coming home one night to have a good old mince pie,
and there she was in bed. I saw that she seemed to be taking up more room in bed 
than usual. I asked her if I was expecting some Santa juniors. It was only then I saw
those fluffy ears popping out from under the covers. She was at it with the Easter bunny"
Mrs Claus herself has also since spoken out to journalists. She told a celebrity magazine
"Nick and I haven't really being getting on too well when it comes to our fornicating. 
I tried everything. I even brought in his reindeer whip to spice things up. 
Nothing was working." She admitted however that she felt bad about the affair. 
When asked how things were with her new fellow, she replied "Now I know why 
they say 'at it like rabbits'. He lived up to his reputation. We even went reindeer style"
The multimillion pound empire, known as Santa's workshop, will remain with Mr Claus 
according to lawyers. They say that currently Santa is offering Mrs Claus three million
in cash and twenty elves in the divorce settlement. They are however currently arguing 
over custody of Rudolf. Fiona Shackleton will be defending Mrs Claus. She has worked
with such stars as Sir Paul McCartney and Madonna. She says "I can assure you that
Rudolf will remain with Mrs Claus. According to Dancer, Mr Claus only sees him 
once a year - on Christmas Eve. Every other day Mrs Claus feeds him, washes him, 
and even waxes his red nose."
Luckily, according to the head elf of the workshop, the boys and girls will not be 
affected by this incident. They will still receive their toys and games this year on 
Christmas Eve. They are currently being produced as we speak. Mini Mona,
the elf manager of PR and marketing for Santa's firm issued a statement: "We are 
currently on schedule for the production and dispatch of our products. This year, 
we are planning to produce Harry Potter toys as we expect there to be a high demand 
for them due to the upcoming film. We will also be making the traditional bikes and toys."
Let's all hope that Mr and Mrs Claus can sort out their differences before Christmas.
If not, we will know for certain that the Easter bunny will remain on the naughty list.

http://www.thespoof.com/news/entertainment-gossip/54211/santa-claus-to-divorce-
mrs-claus-after-her-affair-with-the-easter-bunny 

split up       [ splɪt ʌp] zerwać ze sobą, rozstać się

mince pie   [ mɪns paɪ] okrągły pierożek z nadzieniem z bakalii tradycyjnie spożywany w B.N.

pop out       [ pop aut] wyskakiwać

get on         [ get on] dobrze współzyć

fornicate     [`fo:nɪkeɪt] cudzołożyć

whip           [ wɪp] bat

spice up      [ spaɪs ʌp] dodać pikanterii

live up to sb reputation  [ lɪv ʌp tu repju`teɪʃən] spełniać oczekiwania

custody       [`kʌstədɪ] opieka

issue           [`ɪʃu:] wydać, opublikować

on schedule [ on `ʃedju:l] zgodnie z planem