An old, blind cowboy..

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

blind           [blaɪnd] niewidomy

biker bar – a bar that is frequented by motorcyclists (bikers)

husky          [`hʌskɪ] ochrypły

bat               [bæt] kij do gry

bouncer       [`baunsə(r)] bramkarz w lokalu

mutter         [`mʌtə(r)] mamrotać

Diary of a Blonde

Jan: Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight!

Feb: Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels. HELLLOOOO!!! 

Bottles won’t fit in typewriter!!

March: Got real excited. Finished jigsaw puzzle in six months… Box said 2 – 4 years.

April: Trapped on escalator for hours…. power went out!!

May: Tried to make kool aid. Wrong instructions… 8 cups of water will not fit in 

those tiny packages!!

June: Tried to water ski… couldn’t find a lake with a slope!!

July: Lost breast stroke swimming contest… found out other competitors cheated,

 they used their arms!!

August: Got locked out of my car during a rainstorm… Car interior is swamped because soft
top was down!!

Sept: The capital of California is ‘C’ …. Isn’t it???

Oct: Hate smarties… They are so hard to peel.

Nov: Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days… instructions said one hour per pound.

I weigh 108 pounds.

Dec: Couldn’t call ’911′… DUH!!! There is no ’11′button on the stupid phone!!

What a year !!

Perfect CV

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a Mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

scale                 [skeɪl]  skrobać

heat retention.  [hi: t rɪ`tenʃən ] zatrzymanie ciepła

slur                   [slə:(r)] bełkot

tread                 [tred] stąpać

woo                   [wu:] zalecać się

sensuous           [sensjuəs] zmysłowy, delikatny

unflagging        [ʌn`flægɪn] niesłabnący, niezmordowany

stucco,              [`stʌkəu] stiuk, tynk szlachetny

outlaw               [`autlo:] wyjęty spod prawa

hoe                    [həu] motyka

bluegrass cello  [`tʃeləu] am.styl muzyki rozrywkowej granej  na wiolonczeli

scouted              [skautɪd] zwerbowany

ruthless bookie ['ruθləs  bukɪ]  bezlitosny bukmacher

swoon               [swu:n] omdlewać (over) nad

perspire             [pə`spaɪə(r)] pocić się

centrifugal        [sen`trɪfjugl] odśrodkowy

deft                   [deft] zręczny, zwinny

hurl                   [hə:l] miotać

covert               [`kʌvət] potajemny

seize                 [si:z] konfiskować, przejmować

dodge               [dodʒ] robić unik, czmychać

breed                [brid] hodować

clam                 [klæm] małż